Death Diary

A couple of nights ago, I realized that I am just waiting to die…again.

Before recovery, that was my constant feeling; smoking crack facilitated that feeling. Then I got sober and after about four years, I finally felt happy again, until I relapsed again, leading to my relocation from Florida to California again.

I now life with under the auspices of my parents, which for me acts as a barrier to crack addiction. Yet, I realized with all the health problems I had in 2015, I am not happy.

Anyway, a couple of nights ago, I decided it might be interesting to document all my ills and pains from this midpoint – I am 52 and will be 53 in July – in my life until the end.

For about a month I have been experiencing a pain under my right armpit and on the side of my moob. The pain is a dull, constant pain which intermittently is sharp and radiates in an upward arch from my nipple to my back. I am currently scheduled to undergo an ultrasound as a means of diagnosing what is going on inside, as nothing can be appreciated by tactile examination. I have always been under the impression that I have internal shingles, but the doctor explained that shingles is always expressed on the outside of the body.

My biggest fear is that, having recently finished radiation treatment for Kaposi sarcoma, cancer may have metastasized, as I know there are lymph nodes in our armpits. However a full body CT Scan prior to radiation treatment, in January 2016, revealed nothing.

Add to this fear the fact that about 6 months ago, I was having similar pain across my stomach. I was scheduled for a CT Scan back then to rule out hernia, but the general surgeon who referred me fucked up the required labs and the pain subsided, only to return about two months later across my chest. This led to a cardiology referral, which determined my heart was healthy, the pain subsiding again until it presented in my armpit area.