Missed Opportunity for Love

Last night’s dream was all about Charlie. Charlie was my longest relationship I had ever had – eleven months – despite being on an off again for another 10 years. Unfortunately, for both of us, our relationship centered around drugs, so it was probably doomed from the start. We both attempted sobriety, which, like our relationship was on an off, but in the end, we parted.

In the dream, I was competing for Charlie’s affections/love with another, but in the end neither of us were going to win him over, as he was about to be married to yet another guy. The funny thing is that Charlie was the bride and looked like Lady Gaga in my dream.

Charlie was the first guy that I ever felt comfortable with my weight, unashamed to be naked in front of him. Charlie’s like of big guys instilled confidence in me and allowed me to explore my masculinity with abandon.

At this point in my life, I doubt I will ever have another relationship, Mojo aside, so I woke up with the distinct feeling that Charlie was my only real chance at love and I blew it.

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Sexual Angst

So lately, I have been fantasizing about old behaviors: getting high, picking up a prostitute and having a sex party. These feelings have been strong, that I have even taken to looking for prostitutes online. However, I can’t justify the cost. I was used to getting a prostitute for USD $20-40; sometimes I got lucky and he was able to perform well, but most times, they would get too high and be unable to perform. Online, they are running about $150-$200/hour! I don’t think so. Especially when I add in the fact that I would be completely sober!

So my solution was to start playing FarmVille again because crocheting/knitting just wasn’t cutting it. Now I spend the majority of my time at home on the computer farming. I suppose I have just switched addictions, but at least I am safer.

Add to this the fact the my angst is playing itself out in my dreams. The other night I dreamt that I was intimate – not nastily so – with the hairiest Mexican I know, a friend from high school. It was nice! He had come to my birthday party a few year back and had turned me on to come cocaine. The minute I took the first snort, I was sexually charged. In the end he played me for $20 and I never saw him again. Just as well.

Last night I dreamt that I had hired two prostitutes, but they were chubs and nerdy like myself, so I was not one hundred percent attracted and because I was sober, I was uncomfortable on how to proceed, as were they. One of my newest clients, a hotel in Miami Beach was the center of my escapades and somehow the three of us ended up completely naked, in a cab; I have no idea where we were headed. The next thing I knew the cab driver was taking pictures of the three of use. We were all seated in the front seat and I was next to the driver, who was more my type: nasty, grungy, masculine! I started feeling him up and the two us ended up having a effin’ fantastic time!

When I woke, I realize that what I really miss is the whole game of soliciting a prostitute for sex and the control over him with drugs. It has been seven years to the day, minus three days that I have had sex. As my health declines and I am aware of the dangers for me associated with sex, I am doubtful that I will ever have sex again.

Tonight as I write this, I am okay with that fact, and can only hope that as time passes, so will the sexual angst.

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This Is Heaven?

Today begins my management of the store while my parentsFreudian slip? – bosses get married. I am in charge beginning today until September 2 and will be working everyday except for the day of the wedding, where I will be in attendance.

In last night’s dream, I was living in one of those New York fancy schmancy apartments (white marble and glass). I had hired a maid to help me keep my quarters clean and behind my back she was hiring others to keep up, though I didn’t seem to mind. The significant part was me trying to get ready for an interview at 2:00 pm – the time I begin my shift today – and because I had lost track of time, I was rushing to get showered and dressed. I knew what I was going to wear – which was my attire for the wedding, but my bedroom had turned into a restaurant. My closets were walk-in style and each had a different type of garment: shirts, jackets, shoes, etc. I remember encountering Kevin Costner or Mel Gibson in my shoe closet while trying to find my best black shoes when it struck me how many nice shoes were in the closet. I was tempted to use a nicer pair, but decided to stick with my own shoes.

This dream certainly represented the inundation of things on my plate: I want to get extra flea protection for Mojo, I start my management of the store today, I have a haircut scheduled for tomorrow before work, I need to cash some checks, I need to go to the grocery store, I have to finish a sample for a yarn representative by Monday, plans to call special orders at the store to come pick up their shit, whether or not to put all new stock out as it is arrived, making space for new stock, and graphic/web design duties. The fact that I have no car only compounds the sense of submersion.

My education has taught me one thing at a time; that is my plan and I am sticking to it. The title of this post came from the first thought that entered my head upon awakening.

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Walking Home


Gosh! I remember walking to and from work when I worked at MADSearch in North Miami Beach, Florida. I never figured out how far it was, but with Florida’s humidity, it could be grueling at times. Mom and dad took Irma (visiting Texas cousin) to Weldon this weekend, so I am forced to make my own arrangements getting to and from work. Yesterday, I was able to catch a ride with Cathy after our boat outing, but I ended up having to walk home. Fortunately, the weather has cooled a bit and I took my time. I had barely broken a sweat by the time I got home.

One of the things I miss most about walking is the sights along the way. An old school friend’s mother has changed her front yard into a jungle of vegetation and flora. This was my first time walking by, stopping to investigate what is growing there. I’ve never seen lettuce(?) in the ground; these heads were humongous…and a pineapple? Love it! She also has oriental poppies that are magnificent. but I think with all the changes, they may be gone; I don’t remember seeing them this past spring.


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An Ideal Day…Weatherwise

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It was 75°F in Culver City and the ocean breezes in Marina del Rey took it down to about 70°F. A beautiful day for a boat ride, albeit a Water Bus. I never got a chance to ride the Water Taxi in It was a $2.00 round trip and we even got to see some sea lions. If the crying brat fell overboard on the return trip, it would have been nicer, but all in all the tour around the Marina Harbor was a splendid outing.

I was shocked to see how dilapidated Fisherman’s Village has become. My parents used to take me there as a child and our treat would be a Hot Dog on a Stick Corn Dog. Hot Dog on a Stick is long since gone so I had to suffice for a frozen corn dog for $2.19. Pieces of Eight Restaurant at the west end had long ago changed to Shanghai Red’s, which was decent until our last brunch visit, after which my family never returned. Shanghai Red’s is not Whiskey Red’s – though the URL maintains Shanghai Red in it – and on the east end El Torito remains. I was tempted to buy an ice cream, but at $3 for the small, I changed my mind.

While I was waiting for Cathy, Brandi and Helen to finish their walking tour, I sat directly in the sun near the center lighthouse and started knitting. I didn’t even feel the heat for the beautiful breezes. I would have loved to have knit a gag for the brat that was carrying on, but managed to mentally ignore it enough not to push me to action.

The surprise was finding Indy Plush, where I found out I can have a custom Mojo plush made for $150.00. Now that I am rolling in the money, I just may take them up on the offer, while supporting another local artisan in the meantime.

I saw plenty of tour buses there, so it’s a shame there, so it’s a shame there are not more businesses. I have a feeling that rents are so astronomical, it doesn’t pay for small businesses to reside there.

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Make It Stop!


source: www.youtube.com

The night before last night I had three dreams:

  1. My cousin Michael was helping me dress for interview and kept trying to see my peepee
  2. As I was approaching home in my car – I sold my car, so this was strange – a Ford pick up truck was over the center line and hit the front driver-side  of my car, the accident causing a humongous sink hole. As I got out to examine the damages, I see a backwoods ginger climbing out of coming out of sinkhole, like a creature from hell. Apparently, he was sitting in the truck bed and fell into the hole created from the accident upon impact. Mom comes running out of the house, and I instruct her to stay while I go inside and call the cops. Next thing I know she is inside cooking my brothers meal and the culprits to get away.
  3. I was employed at a gas station where the customer were similar to the Wal-Martians.

I must have sympathetic wedding anxiety – and it’s getting worse – because last night every time I woke to pee – which is ridiculously frequent – and fell back into asleep my mind kept going back to the table setting. Every fucking little detail played itself out from place setting (bread knife, bread plate, butter knife, coffee cup and saucer dessert spoon, dessert fork, water glass, red wine glass, white wine glass, champagne glass, salad fork, dinner form, cocktail fork, charger, dinner plate, soup bowl, dinner knife, fish knife, dinner spoon, soup spoon, demitasse spoon) to linen choices (napkin, tablecloth, chair covers) to seating arrangement.

I may have to back to smoking marijuana nightly, just so I can get some sleep.

Wedding Table Setting

source: cinnamonroseflorists.wordpress.com/

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Growing Up & Family Behaviors

This morning I see – what looks to be fine – left over macaroni ‘n’ cheese in the sink, ready to go down into the garbage disposal.

Today, mom makes 5 dishes during the day for dinner: Rosti Potatoes, Beans, Turkey Backs, Chicken and Stew.

My nephew (working, high school graduate), who has his girlfriend over, asks my mom what’s for dinner. Nephew presents discontentment, suggesting pizza. Mom adds that she can make rice to go with the beans. Nephew says we are going to the movies at 8:00 pm and and mom concedes to pizza due to time constraints(?). Subsequently, nephew asks for $5 for Little Ceasars.

I say if he can afford to go the movies, he can afford a $5 pizza! If he can’t afford $5 for a pizza, he should just eat what has already been cooked.

Half of that food will go to waste because mom cooks something new every day.

I now understand why it took 44 years for me to grow up. The behaviors my family displays are disgusting to me. I suppose my sister is right, I must focus on gratitude that I don’t live that way…anymore.


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Betrayal, Humiliation & Nipple Pinching

Nipple Pinch

source: cristinasartadventure.wordpress.com/

Last night I dreamed that I was hanging with Cathy S. We were both recovering from addition – humorously, yarn. I can’t remember the circumstances behind our wandering the streets, but I think we were seeking a friend. Anyway, at one point during our wandering we encountered two mutual friends that had found the missing friend and were eager to connect with him because they had knowledge of his stash of drugs. I was not interested in going with them because I knew it would lead to trouble and relapse for me. Somehow Cathy and I had gotten separated, but they knew I was with her and extended a lewd invitation on her behalf. I answered that she would not be interested, shaming them for even considering her for their activities. When Cathy appeared, I told her what had transpired and she surprised the hell out of me by accepting the invitation and departing my company.

Now on a mission of vengeance – for what I have no recall – I happened across a gay bar where everyone was standing outside, trying to get in. For some reason, I was able to gain entrance despite the crowds and ended up being locked up inside. That is when Lisa May (KROQ Radio Personality?) and her friend freed me.

I think this dream was inspired by the song Lyin’ Eyes by the Eagles, which I had heard during my shift at work.

The next dream involved a family visit to Sea World. To gain entrance to the park, we had to individually undergo an examination which involved humiliation, conducted by this muscle-bound hunk and his gorgeous wife. I remember when it come to me the wife said for me to perform a task, but she kept moving the work area. This did not phase me, so she moved on to another task where she pinched my nipples while barraging me with questions. By this time, I was completely over the shenanigans and I pinched her nipples back; that’s when I found out the guy was her husband. He proceeded to pinch my nipples even harder – little did he know that I liked-d it – and I began to pinch his, proceeding to caress his chest, which led to a state of frenzied intimacy.

Then I woke up.

I think the second dream was inspired by an email exchange with my boss in which my humor did not carry through in my email and he was defending his fiance.

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They’re Back!

Kathy, Mitchell and JudyThe dreams are back, ranging from my bosses wedding to old school friends and baby-making. I have been teasing my boss who is about to remarry that she and her new husband should have another baby to seal the deal. She has already had three and he has already had one, so she is not inclined, but in a dream the other night, she and I were shopping and she was buying baby shoes. I’m just sayin’.

A second dream on another night had me assisting the wedding party decorate a mansion for her wedding. As time was running out, we used the last hour to change from our work clothes to our party clothes. At the same time, my bosses family (Italian descent) was arriving and while I had my pants down, her aunt saw me.

Last night I had one dream where I was driving again,  but no matter which direction I drove, within one mile I would always encounter the beach. Cut to the second dream where an old school friend – not sure if it was Thelma J. or Kathy Y. – who wanted to sleep with me naked so she could get pregnant. WTF? At least I didn’t have to have sex with her. The day I complied with my friends request, we retired to Judy’s house to hang out and were joined by Mitchell W., who was naked and confessed he had always had a crush on me and wanted me to be his boyfriend.

I’ve known Judy since kindergarten, Kathy since fourth grade and Mitchell since second grade. I was fortunate to reconnect with Judy and Kathy at my 30th high school reunion. Mitchell and I were never close, though as a kid I can remember a time when I would have liked to be close to Mitchell. I bet he is a very handsome adult. OMG! I just looked him up on Facebook and he has a military service picture up. Mmm, mmm, mmm!


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Winter’s Bone (2010)

Winter's Bone

source: impawards.com


After her deadbeat father jumps bail and mysteriously disappears, 17-year old Ree Dolly (Jennifer Lawrence) must find a way to track him down or she’ll be left without a home or custody of her two young siblings. To Avoid losing everything, Ree must hack through the lies and threats looming everywhere in her rural town to piece together the dangerous truth about her father — without getting herself killed — in this taut, pulse-pounding thriller.


I would hardly call this a “taut, pulse-pounding thriller” because

  1. I could hardly understand the dialogue in the movie
  2. I only got a gist of what happened to the father
  3. The disturbing behaviors of the town’s inhabitants
  4. The slow pace of the townsfolk

Perhaps if I had not been working while watching the movie I might have been more enrapt, but it’s highly doubtful. If anything, I found the behavior of the townsfolk to be the most scariest thing about this movie. That’s a culture that scares the hell out of me. Thankfully, I have no desire to visit places like that.

Now, at least, I can say I’ve seen the movie that made Jennifer a star. I was surprised to learn that Garrett Dillahunt was in the movie as Sheriff Baskin. I liked him in Raising Hope and find him attractive.


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